I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
