The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
