Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
