i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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