Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
