the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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