i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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