His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
