I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
