drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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