dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
