Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
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