lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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