I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
did i just pee glitter
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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