Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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