i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
