Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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