I just saw a hot homeless man
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Randomize
