rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I'm getting married
To pizza
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Randomize
