So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
