My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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