i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
