I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
