I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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