my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Randomize
