Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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