By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
You've changed since you got that strap on
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
