I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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