My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
