you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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