i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
