Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
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