Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
