Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
