My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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