Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
