I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
