My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
