I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
