loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Come see our sink grown plant.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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