So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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