I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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