well I can't set my house on fire every night
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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