Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Success! We fucked roommates!
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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