Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
