i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Let's paint friendship bongs
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
