watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
