"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Randomize
