So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
