Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
